At Half a Century
I’ve often wonder what it would feel like to live one hundred years or longer. What things will I see and experience? What kind of interesting people would I meet? What places will I visit? What else will I learn? At first, it’s just curiosity, but when you’re half way there it takes on a different meaning. One of nervousness, facing imminent mortality, as well as depression realizing that you’re not even a quarter done with your list. It is however, a great time for reflection and contemplation. There is still time, you say to yourself, I can still reach my goals, dreams and expectations. Then you see reality in the mirror – your body can’t do the things it used to, every day there’s a new pain. The paths which you have chosen are hardened and unyielding. The cards that have been dealt to you can’t be taken back; history can’t be erased; only the now and the future can be changed.
My teachings have shown me that knowledge is not enough, for it is the application of knowledge over time that gives us wisdom. Many old sayings were told to me by my parents and teachers, without meaning or understanding at times, just to become clearer many years later. Now I find myself saying them to my children and students, and as I say them I’m cognisant of the fact that they may be too young to understand. But as the old cliché says . . . plant the seed now. Many things the late Grand Master Tejero would say to me while we were drinking coffee are just now unfolding in my mind (many years after his death), as I become more and more enlightened. At least I had the foresight to capture every word he said and store it away for future use – I understood then that my time with him was short.
Just like every time I read the bible, even the same verse many times, God reveals something different, I guess he knows when we are ready to receive. I know for sure that some times I have no comprehension of what God is doing in my life, to me, or for me. Only my faith in Him and His word carries me through some days. I believe in His promises, specially the one where. . .”He will not leave us or forsake us”. If I would not believe that, I would not be able to handle some of the trials and tribulations I’ve suffered in my life. Sometimes we are so self-centred that we miss God’s Universal truths and divine plan. The cards we are dealt may not be for us, but rather, to show others love, compassion, honesty, humility, and all of those wonderful things. Hence, we are merely participants in this tangle web we live in.
Although my faith is very strong and uncompromising, as a human I some times question God’s motives – it’s O.K., I have that kind of open relationship with my living God. I have a very long list of questions for him once I’m in heaven at his feet. There are some things that I just can’t understand, things that have crushed my heart to the point of irreversible damage some times. Some people have hurt me so bad that my tears are of blood, by heart is heavy, and my soul is fractured – crying in the darkness, from such a deep place that no sound come out. Over the years, I too have hurt others, and done some things that I can’t erase or take back. Sometimes I wake up at night and wished that they never happened, but they did, and my saving thought is the pure mercy and grace of God. Most things I’ve learned to deal with one way or another, it’s what has defined me over the years and forged my character. I can frankly say that only two things have gotten me through it all, my faith in God through his word, and my Martial Arts teachings.
However, the only thing that still burdens my heart are my children. I constantly worry about them and pray for them every day. The thought of my failures affecting their lives is overwhelming. Although I will go to my grave knowing that I did my best, and had all of the best intensions for their lives. The questions will always be, was it enough, could I have done more? You can debate that for a while. It has been said that Jesus Christ did not die on the cross due to the thorns on his head or the iron rods through his hands and feet, nor the spear through his side, but rather through his broken heart from all of his children. I now understand. I pray my children will find true happiness in live, fulfil their dreams, and most importantly find God’s salvation plan – and know that I love them without limits or reservations.
Looking on a brighter note, I still have the second half of a century to grow, learn, become wiser, and fulfil Gods plan for me on earth. I trust that all whom I love will be taken care of by God; I pray that He sends His powerful angels to protect them, His Blood to heal them, and His Holy Spirit to dwell within them.
My teachings have shown me that knowledge is not enough, for it is the application of knowledge over time that gives us wisdom. Many old sayings were told to me by my parents and teachers, without meaning or understanding at times, just to become clearer many years later. Now I find myself saying them to my children and students, and as I say them I’m cognisant of the fact that they may be too young to understand. But as the old cliché says . . . plant the seed now. Many things the late Grand Master Tejero would say to me while we were drinking coffee are just now unfolding in my mind (many years after his death), as I become more and more enlightened. At least I had the foresight to capture every word he said and store it away for future use – I understood then that my time with him was short.
Just like every time I read the bible, even the same verse many times, God reveals something different, I guess he knows when we are ready to receive. I know for sure that some times I have no comprehension of what God is doing in my life, to me, or for me. Only my faith in Him and His word carries me through some days. I believe in His promises, specially the one where. . .”He will not leave us or forsake us”. If I would not believe that, I would not be able to handle some of the trials and tribulations I’ve suffered in my life. Sometimes we are so self-centred that we miss God’s Universal truths and divine plan. The cards we are dealt may not be for us, but rather, to show others love, compassion, honesty, humility, and all of those wonderful things. Hence, we are merely participants in this tangle web we live in.
Although my faith is very strong and uncompromising, as a human I some times question God’s motives – it’s O.K., I have that kind of open relationship with my living God. I have a very long list of questions for him once I’m in heaven at his feet. There are some things that I just can’t understand, things that have crushed my heart to the point of irreversible damage some times. Some people have hurt me so bad that my tears are of blood, by heart is heavy, and my soul is fractured – crying in the darkness, from such a deep place that no sound come out. Over the years, I too have hurt others, and done some things that I can’t erase or take back. Sometimes I wake up at night and wished that they never happened, but they did, and my saving thought is the pure mercy and grace of God. Most things I’ve learned to deal with one way or another, it’s what has defined me over the years and forged my character. I can frankly say that only two things have gotten me through it all, my faith in God through his word, and my Martial Arts teachings.
However, the only thing that still burdens my heart are my children. I constantly worry about them and pray for them every day. The thought of my failures affecting their lives is overwhelming. Although I will go to my grave knowing that I did my best, and had all of the best intensions for their lives. The questions will always be, was it enough, could I have done more? You can debate that for a while. It has been said that Jesus Christ did not die on the cross due to the thorns on his head or the iron rods through his hands and feet, nor the spear through his side, but rather through his broken heart from all of his children. I now understand. I pray my children will find true happiness in live, fulfil their dreams, and most importantly find God’s salvation plan – and know that I love them without limits or reservations.
Looking on a brighter note, I still have the second half of a century to grow, learn, become wiser, and fulfil Gods plan for me on earth. I trust that all whom I love will be taken care of by God; I pray that He sends His powerful angels to protect them, His Blood to heal them, and His Holy Spirit to dwell within them.
posted by Si Tai Gung at 8:17 PM
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